I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
