I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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