Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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