Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
