mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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