come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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