we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
