I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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