I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
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I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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