That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
