Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
