I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
