eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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