They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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