when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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