Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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