Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
