The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
