Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
