Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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