I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
