You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
