I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
