that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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