Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
