I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
