Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
