My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
