i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
