if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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