there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
