i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
