I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
