Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
