Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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