did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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