i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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