I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
