yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
