Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
