Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
