the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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