Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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