I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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