I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
