Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
