I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
