So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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