Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
