The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
