At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
