We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
